The Trapped
Part 3 of the Sunday serialised novel, set in Primrose Hill
CHAPTER 4
0930am MONDAY DAY 1
THE TRIBES
PORGANS was control centre in Primrose Hill; an ordinary looking deli which had cannily deduced that we local residents were looking for food mainly made of air.They only employed staff who didn’t snort when the locals ordered an extra-hot-decaf-coconut-milk-capp with half a sprinkle of raw cacao. It was business as normal despite the neon police band that was encircling the side entrance on thecanal side. Its customers tended to ignore the canal path as it led towards Morrisons, Camden Market and the general public, aka civilians, and so hadn’t as yet noticed the obstruction. They were far more interested in the severed head cake-pops, albinopumpkins and blood caviar crackers, all artfully displayed under red neon Halloween lettering. The only downside of PORGANS was that it was crammed full of the Primrose Hill tribes. Could get a little claustrophobic sometimes. Most of us could be sorted into one of the main groups that habituated the neighbourhood:
BlueBloods, Aspies, Agas, BohoLuxes, Nannies, Influencers
The only exception was possibly Saffy, who was sitting at her usual ringside table, directly behind the Bluebloods and the Aspies. The latter were endeavouring to join the tables up but were being stealthily vetoed by the Blueblood leader, Tabitha, who was pretending not to hear the Aspies’ twittering about the cordon issue. Many mothers had suffered the indignity of thwarted attempts to join the Blueblood gang as they didn’t know about the rulebook:
1 Treat pets and children with an exasperated resignation that they are always in one’s way and not able to play a decent game of tennis.
2 Knock out a baby on annual basis until one has at least four, which emphasises one is bloody rich and can afford as many school fees and nannies as poss. This is NOT because one is a Mother Earth. One is highly suspicious of mothers who carry on in such a fashion.
3 Refer to one’s children by names that are interchangeable with the family pets-i.e.Ludo, Zaza, Supsup or Creature. Nobody should know their real names. Oh, and at ALL costs one most deflect a compliment, particularly if it’s aimed at one’s children.
4 Although one’s offspring wear Ralph Lauren, Bonpoint and Caramel, allow them to be the least well-groomed children in the park. This enables differentiation between them and the middle classes.
5 One’s children are not seen between the hours of 7pm-7am. EVER.
6 Most importantly, one most remember that life is terribly difficult, one is permanently exhausted and that one’s husband is a cunt (but never say that in public, just that he’s “terribly busy”).
